I wake in one place and follow it’s lead to a completely new realm.
I worry about you a lot and your ability to address the myriad of feelings and issues that arise in this journey. But worrying about people has always been my crutch. Somewhere I devalued my own self and feelings and placed others’ needs and pains above my own.
That has been the forefront issue of the week. And…my life for that matter.
I have lived that word for as long as I can remember without knowing it or confronting it. In other words, I have lived co-dependency…successfully. All my life.
On the other hand, I get very adventurous (as opposed to crippled) in my periods of solitude. (That wanted Solitudy…;-) I also get very depressed. I am addressing both, now. Depression and Co-dependency. Neither are crippling me, though both flatten me at times.
They’ve both been at the core of my life and relationships.
And so I had to ask myself: Did I get involved with You out of co-dependency and/or depression in my marriage?
The answer was a quick no. My higher self is very quick to answer questions about your role in these things and I am able to discern the truth of the process that is happening.
There is zero hesitation when I ask the question: Who are You?
My True Love.
I know this instinctively and don’t have any reason to actually ask it anymore. The sense of rightness and non-hesitance I feel about you is astounding and always has been.
But…as such you are also my mirror. And this is where the confusion kicks in. The very nature of who we are together shows me my good, bad and F^ ugly (and I imagine shows you yours, as well.) So, although I didn’t seek you out of co-dependence or depression, your very presence in my life brings them out of me and demands that I address and heal them.
The very presence of you in my life commands the truth into my being which forces the untruth out. This is the process that has been going on since we Met. The pain that arises is two-fold. One is the pain of the wound being reopened that the untruth was masking. And the other is how much we resist and hold on to the untruth. This has been happening over and over with every wound in me that has never healed.
This can almost sum up the pain of life in general. The pain of change reveals itself like a cut or a break. This demands attention and healing. But if we deny the pain and resist it instead of acknowledge and tend to it, this creates the second-fold or long term pain. We do this when we aren’t strong enough to handle the pain (or think we aren’t.) Doing this long enough can allow us to form ways of living around the pain instead of ever healing the wound.
This is co-dependence: the way I have learned to live around the wound of abandonment. Minimizing my own feelings by taking care of other people. Savior complex. I learned this from my parents who were co-dependent who learned it from theirs…etc.
My co-dependency wants to solve all your problems for you. But I know enough now to know that will only lead to a co-dependent relationship, which ours was mimicking. I do not want that. Twin Flame or no, I have realized that we cannot be together unless we both choose it and both do the work within ourselves necessary to be together.
I know this relationship knocked you off balance more than you could ever imagine. And my co-dependent self would love to come in and save you from yourself. But our lives, issues, choices and healing are between ourselves and God.
I have stopped blaming you for not choosing us and begun a path of healing. I’ve chosen to heal at all costs, whether you can ever be with me or not. I feel you with me each moment and understand *perfectly* why you can’t (physically) be with me. I’m so very proud of you for finally deciding you just couldn’t, which broke our cycle of slamming against the walls of reality every week.
I love you completely as I always have. I hope you will seek your own healing and know that no matter how deeply you hurt or feel ashamed, God is with you and bigger than every problem you have and will answer your every call for forgiveness and healing. While it doesn’t always feel we are being healed just acknowledging a wound is the first step towards healing. Healing hurts at first because we are acknowledging and often reopening old wounds; airing them out, if you will. Healing can be an extremely painful process. But ignoring it and burying will only cause the wound to surface later, probably bigger, more painfully, from under copious layers of scar tissue and when you least *expect* it.
I love you,